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I am only trying to make it through the day, cowardly and sneakily i agree but I have to exist to be able to improve.... my ultimate reaction to the events of over a year ago scared the shit out of me... i am a fucking bad ass, i am not scared of fucking any man that would attempt to take my life, but then i saw myself coming for me and i didnt know what to do.... karma saw fit at that point to provide me with a simple escape in which i spent my next x months progressively imploding ever so slowly... i lost my job, i lost my electricity, i lost my apartment, i lost my truck, i lost my motorcycle, i lost my car, i lost all of my belongings, and not because i sold them to provide escape or anything just because they meant absolutely nothing to me.... so... here we meet again, me having to use all of my strength to stand up from the floor, wipe the fucking snots from my face and look for u so that i know that you arent dissasembling razors to end ur existance. by piercing your ivory flesh with a crude instrument such as that, shows what pain i have caused and i have no fucking idea where to go from here.... u have no trust and are causing other people strife due to it, im sure whether u know or not, but im sure that you do.... and i have to exist knowing that i have absolutely no fucking clue what it means to do the right thing, do you want to go for dinner and movie which causes strife in very single interaction in my daily life by its very nature... what the fuck do we do, continue hurting innocent naive little sheeple, girls looking for sex Piney Woods Mississippi me purposefully, you by ur lack of availability, i cant imagine the torment of not being able to harm other people and having to face myself again, and i cant imagine ur torment of internalizing on such a grand scale due to not having the outlet that ur surreality becomes ur reality and on and on... i am a fucking big linebacker sized piece of shit and i know that i dont want to end it because i have glimpsed the most absolute pain and there must be an obverse to that, i can only imagine pain such as this can only be brought about by something equally as powerful but the polar opposite.. we must have had that and inot at all surprisingly refused to recognize it out of fear, and as a result ruined and sullied the thought of so as to obscure it from you, or at least i wish that i would have so as to spare you but i know u saw it, u saw it everyday, u came into my arms nightly hoping that i might have possibly found it today, ever hopefull and full of light you were. every time i made a fucking fool out of myself and u u saw it, and every time i made you feel like the lowest rung u saw it..... every time someone laughed at you behind ur back u knew, every time ur intelligence was questioned in regards to my activities u fucking knew..... THAT IS FUCKING WHY YOU WERE THERE!!!!! i cant even begin to imagine a world not centered around my bloated gullet, much less xxx in which i had no standing and made no impact and in which something that meant so much to me (our connection), that you were willing to forgoe any form of self gratification just on the off chance i would miraculously "see" it. what the fuck do we do... i was hoping secretly in the long stretch in which we did not speak that you were doing well and moving on, even if i couldnt bear to hear aabout anything of the sort. and to see that you have just been stumbling forward, smashing into things only means that neither of our plans are working, and only xxx ultimate outcome is almost guaranteed if we keep this up.... what do u do when there is nothing left, in ur case you selflessly gave it up looking for some in return, and i set about from an early age to mercilessly destroy any remnants of feelings out of fear.... i am nothing, have nothing, and do nothing all while u have no pistol for ur holster..... and will flame out as a result... it was funny , when u responded to my latest revelation by saying that you were surprised that i would have made that specific choice, i responded that i was as well.... that was a lie, i set forward to accomplish that so as to either glimpse something that was beautiful from a perspective that was absolutely and definitively deeply held by you or to attempt to recreate the same situation in which u saved ur own life and abandoned my ship to myself and maybe have some hope???we owe it to our fellow adventurers on this stupid fucking planet to not become "those people".... u know the type of which i speak an escapist utterly miserable despised old man, and the ever dour disillusioned maid that is only in that state due to a single situation that was thrust upon her naiive, accepting, nay-i- say it loving young personage to forever cast a cloud.. even brutal clinical logic says that this is not a fucking acceptable course in which to continue, but i have absolutely no idea... i am out here being burned by the sun now as i am out of my chemiy induced hibernation and i am lost, never having formed the instincts of preservation in the face of obstacles all i can think about is crawling back in, but i know i cant... if not for my self (which is absolutely without worth to me right now) a mere glimpse into the eye of him when i can muster the nuts to do it spurs me by a purely darwinian, survival of the species force.... before i had a chance to realize it i catastrophiy destroyed my chances of a normal life and thereby methodiy made sure i had an effect on everyone in my sphere....so seriously. this is not a fucking hypothetical question, what the fuck do we do? 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